I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
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