She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Randomize
