Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
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