I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
