I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
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