dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
What a fucking waste of an outfit
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
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My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
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We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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