I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
bring money and cleavage
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
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