He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
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