so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
he was CRYING into my vagina
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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