totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
