Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
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