I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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