There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
