If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
