His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
