If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
