My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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