Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Randomize
