Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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