when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Randomize
