i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
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