Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
Randomize
