apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
