you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
Randomize
