decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
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When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
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How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
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