i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
