My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
