i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
