cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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