Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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