On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
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