I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
