GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Randomize
