she was so not down for the gang bang
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
