Of course we end up in a gay bar... And I have to tell you there are some hot dudes here, should I pass around your Facebook?
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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