So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
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