my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Fuck appropriateness.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
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