Hey I don't know if you will get this but all I know is you are so beautiful to .ee and? I dare anyone to stop me me from caring for you ante so beautiful so I kid you not gorgeous iyoiu are so beautiful to me i dare som.eone too stioo you
im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
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