Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
