There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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