just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
someone owes me an orgasm
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
