When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
