I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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