I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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