She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize
