im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
