found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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