Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize
