omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
