first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
She tied me up with her honor cords...
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
I said "one day" and that day is not today
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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