I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
