I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
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