I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
