the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
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I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
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I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
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