Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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