I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
