You don't have asthma, your pregnant
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Randomize
