and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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