I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
